Runt's Rant Page

When you call the front desk at the motel and say, " I gotta leak in my sink.", and the clerk says "Go ahead."

When you get pulled over and the trouper says, "Got any I.D."and you reply, "Bout wut?"

GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is President of the United States.

Jeff Foxworthy---

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God..'


You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

Keep the fire burning, redneck friends.
IF YOU DON'T STAND BEHIND OUR TROOPS FEEL FREE TO STAND IN FRONT OF THEM .
IN GOD WE TRUST

2. The Blue Book  value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in  it.

3. You've been  married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman  who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how  service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your  family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom  Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's  hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom  offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your  engines!"

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween  pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids  was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of  Tattoos.

16. You can't get  married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think  loading the dishwasher means gettin' your woman  drunk.

  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

   2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

   3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

   6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

  9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there.

   10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

   11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

  12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

   13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

   14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

   15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program!

  16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

  17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

   18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

   19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

   20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 

  22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

  23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on  the side.

  24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

   25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

   26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

  27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000.00 worth of   improvements.

   28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

   29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

  And Last, But Not Least...

31. Someone tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take   them out to see what it is!  "