Runt's Rant Page |
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| Quickies I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." ~~~~~ Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~~~~~ My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~ The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~ God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~ I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~ Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!" ******************************************* What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant. **************************************** English Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period? Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our pool man ran away. ********************************************************* A women asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?" The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints". ********************************************************* A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential." |
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1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. 2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR. 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM? 16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? 20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? 24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? 30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? 31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED? 34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD? |
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7% - Food for Thought
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written." My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column I wrote, once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?' 27. Always choose life. 28. Forgive everyone everything. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 33. Believe in miracles. 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 37. Your children get only one childhood. 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 42. The best is yet to come. 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 44. Yield. 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
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| STRESS
A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience raised a glass of water and asked 'How heavy is this glass of water? Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, the absolute weight doesn't matter, it depends on how long you try to hold it. * If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. * If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. * If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes, he continued, and that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down at least for a moment...so my friend; put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while. Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life: * Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others. * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. * It's the second mouse that gets the cheese. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. * We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty, and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. *A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today... May you always have Love to Share, Health to Spare, and Friends that Care |
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