Runt's Rant Page

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzio's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.

Don't ya just love lawyers?

*****

 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
   WITNESS: I forget.
   ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
   ___________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
   WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
  _________________________ ___________

 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
   WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
  ___________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
   WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
   _________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
   WITNESS: Getting laid
  ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
   WITNESS: None.
   ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
   WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
  ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
   WITNESS: By death.
   ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
   WITNESS: Take a guess.
  ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
   WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
   ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
   WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
  _____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
   WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
  ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
   WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight..
  _________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
   WITNESS: Oral.
   _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
     WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
     WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________

   ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
     WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
     ______________________________________

   And the best for last:

   ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
     WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
     WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
     WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
     WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
     WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
     WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

   THINK ABOUT IT!  MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.

The Runt