Runt's Rant Page

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to

swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its

throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow

a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children

while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each

child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she

asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks

like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl

replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy

Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat

our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)

answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do

the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had

several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette

head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some

of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something

wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and

then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was

trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all

grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's

Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the

teacher, she's dead..'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on

my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red

in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary

position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,

'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic

elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile

of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the

table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.. God is watching

the apples.'

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.

--Gregory, age 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget

why, but scientists are working on it.

--Olive, age 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven,

and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you

got to agree to wear those angel clothes.

--Matthew, age 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something

else.

--Mitchell, age 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for

science.

--Henry, age 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!

--Jack, age 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main

subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.

--Daniel, age 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And

when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.

--Reagan, age 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an

angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow.

Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.

--Sara, age 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good

carpenter.

--Jared, age 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go

for it.

--Antonio, age 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on

helping me while she was still down here on earth.

--Ashley, age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets.

And if

they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.

-- Vicki, age 8

What I don't get about angels is, why when someone is in love, they

shoot arrows at them.

--Sarah, age 7

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you

like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should

keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to

marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later

who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER

by then. - Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get

married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling

at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to

know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long

enough. - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that

usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the

newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should

marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need

someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF

PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a

truck. - Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)

What Is Butt  Dust???

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.  After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.  Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'  

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'   

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.  Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'  

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'  

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'  

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?' 

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.  His dad read: 'The man named  Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'  

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.  Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'  

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face...'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Children write about the sea:

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have
sea all round you, you are in continent.
(Wayne age 7)

Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How Do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
Screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

My Mom has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish
(Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my Willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of
Seamen inside.
(Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots
of sailors.
(Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down
on each other.
(Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7)