Runt's Rant Page
"handsome" in a sentence.
She says, "When I'm suckin' dick, and my
jaw gets sore.... I use my handsome".
The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.
The North has Coffee Houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt, the South has the Bible Belt.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH. . .
In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in big ol' truck or big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper
Be advised that "He needed killin' " is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there..
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, jus' 'cause the cat had kittens in the oven, don't mean we're gonna call 'em biscuits.
Southern Women
Clean skin
A winning smile
That unforgettable Southern drawl
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.__
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
__
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
__
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
__
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
__
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
__
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
__
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
__
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
__
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
__
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
__
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, .... and when we're "in line," ... we talk to everybody!
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Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
__
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
__
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
__
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
__
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin', "you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
__
Only true Southerners say ,"sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
__
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
__
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.Bless your heart!
__
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
__
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads, "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
__
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!
Now... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it,we know you got here as fast as you could!
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
"covertly"
funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years, whereby the
automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup
trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the
circumstances
in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 37 of the 50 states the recorded last words
of
drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh SH*T !"
Only the states of North Carolina, Alabama, Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky,
Arkansas, South Carolina, Georgia, Mississippi, Missouri, Louisiana,
Florida,
Texas and West Virginia were different, where 89.3 percent of the final
words
were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can ' t hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I ' d like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I ' d store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty ' s only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the
ice."
9) I know I ' m not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can ' t find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Redneck Special Forces...
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over shortly.
A very genteel Southern lady drove across the Savannah River Bridge
in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a
young man ready {fixing} to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump,
think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She said, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you Yankee
bastard."
"If'n I was to sneak over to your house and have sex with your old lady an she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
The other thought for a moment and then said, "I don't reckon it would make us kin, but it would make us even!"
Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks
look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves
;)
...YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF...
....Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call
them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
....You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
....You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
....You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the
side of the road. (e.g., boiled peanuts).
....You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly. ;
....For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.
....You don't know what a moon pie is.
....You've! never had an RC Cola.
....You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.
....You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
....You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen
are on road trips.
....You have no idea what a polecat is.
....You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.
....You don't have bangs.
....You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show....
... You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."
....You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich.
....You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife
show.
....You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
....You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
....The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting
on an on-ramp to the highway.
....You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
....You have more than one professional sports team in your home
state.
....You call binoculars opera glasses.
....You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
....You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe
Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
....You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie,
Johnnie, Jimmie)
....You don't have Maw-maw's & Pawpaw's.
....You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
....None of your fur coats are homemade.
Yep!!! Your a BLUE NECK!!!
Author Unknown
or
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Top 10 Reasons Why There Are No Black NASCAR Drivers
10) THEY HAVE TO SIT UPRIGHT.
9) PISTOL WON'T STAY UNDER FRONT SEAT.
8) ROAR OF THE ENGINES DROWNS OUT RAP MUSIC.
7) POLICE CARS ON TRACK INTERFERE WITH RACE.
6) THEY KEEP TRYING TO CARJACK DALE JR.
5) PIT CREW CAN'T WORK ON CAR WHILE HOLDING UP PANTS AT THE SAME TIME.
4) NO PASSENGER SEAT FOR DA' HO.
3) THERE ARE NO SPONSORS FOR CADILLAC.
2) CAN'T WEAR HELMET SIDEWAYS.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR:
1) WHEN THEY CRASH THEIR CAR, THEY BAIL OUT AND RUN AWAY
What with elections coming up, we should all decide.
Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans
and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the
following
question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the
knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What
do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or Oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come
to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....(sounds
of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
Tips??"
found
that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that
started
with the letter "T".
Examples of those days are as follows:
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday
Thunday
_________________________________
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in
the
middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water
12% said it was to go to the toilet
83% said it was to go home
__________________________________
The perfect breakfast. as a man sees it...
You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties,
your mistress is on the cover of Playboy,
and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
__________________________________
(Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?
(A) Nudity
__________________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
(A) 45 lbs
__________________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
(A) 45 minutes
__________________________________
(Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"
(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.
__________________________________
(Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
(A) A golden retriever
____________________________! ______
(Q) Why did OJ Simpson move to W. Virginia?
(A) Everyone has the same DNA.
__________________________________
(Q) What' s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
(A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage
along with a recipe.
__________________________________
(Q) What's the Cuban national anthem?
(A) Row, row, row your boat.
__________________________________
(Q ) What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
(A) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time".
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a
cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I
thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I
promised, but he didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing
anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to
some place intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this
restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really
worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?
I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him.
Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said
no. But I wasn't really sure.
In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he
just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant
because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back
home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get
him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he joined me and! to my surprise, we made love. But,he still
seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but
didn't, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do
anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
Missed a 10 point buck today---three shots---couldn't shoot for shit!
Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch talkin'.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air
conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber
than both yer wifes put together!... I was going through her purse the
day
lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about
that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'aime
German
Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida and Texas
Nice Ass, Get in the truck
|
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
|
"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows
where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could
take a message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer
paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about
that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges
$50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much
he gets fer Howard."
!
Only In Georgia....
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven,
God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor
but sunny and pleasant.
"I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts.
"This one will be extremely hot while this one
will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land
mass and said "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's GEORGIA-the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests.
The people from GEORGIA are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God?
You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in ATLANTA."
====================================================
A GEORGIA BLESSING
Note: If you are not a resident of GEORGIA or never have lived in
the hot, humid South, you may not understand the weight of this
blessing!
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in GEORGIA, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
====================================================
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN GEORGIA IN JULY WHEN. . . .
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out
and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one
out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Ah, what a place to call home. . . God Bless Our State of Georgia!