Runt's Rant Page

Do I come here often?

Two old guys were chatting.....

One said to the other:

"My 85th birthday was yesterday.

The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!.....

Imagine, an SUV!!..

What a great gift!"
First guy:

"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

It's harder to tell navy from black.

Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around.

Your kids are becoming you -- and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!

Yellow becomes the big color -- walls, hair, teeth.

Going out is good; coming home is better!

When people say you look "Great", they add, "for your age"!

When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything -- movies, hotels, flights.

You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.

You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything -- especially golf.

Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".

Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"

The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom -- you have his full attention.

Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

You use more 4 letter words -- "what?"..."when?"

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.; next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?

Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.

Your concealer doesn't conceal. Your lipstick bleeds. Your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.

You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody whispers.

Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job.

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet, 2 of which you will never wear again.

But old is good in some things -- old songs, old movies, and best of all -- old friends!

Woman Get Mean with Age.

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we
can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it,
you old fools.'

One of the old Grandma's said, 'Sure we can! Just drop
your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they
couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple
of times & to jump up & down several times.

Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old
gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear,
all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--

'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

That is just mean!

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you s ee my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement enter were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two ge ntlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '

'I'd also like whipp ed cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the do ctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 12. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 4. It was an old black Dodge.

I never had a telephone in my room.

The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM

every morning.

On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive, because they had to meet the standards of the

National Board of Revue before they could air them. I wish the National Board of Revue was re-instituted.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend :

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

Real ice boxes.

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines on the telephone

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S& H greenstamps

16 Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with lever

18. Mimeograph paper

19 Blue flashbulb

20. Packards

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young

I f you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older

If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,

If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Really!   The Runt

A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male)
while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no
man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10, "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron did n't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there."

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . . .
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
~Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
  ~George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain


What would men be without women?  Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante


The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol


Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan


What's the use of happiness?  It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman


I am opposed to millionaires.......but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath



Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope


A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields


It takes only one drink to get me drunk.....the trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth  or the fourteenth.
~George Burns


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
   ~Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller


The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good . spit it out.
~Unknown


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal