Runt's Rant Page |
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| Meet Marvin, Men's answer to Maxine!!! Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------ |
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| Marvin and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." Marvin thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" Marvin replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued, "I just can't take that chance." |
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| Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Marvin and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.." He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?' Marvin leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose,right?' |
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| A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then Marvin tentatively raised his hand and said, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you." |
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| When asked what he enjoyed most about oral sex. Marvin replied, "The silence". | ||
| Marvin's wife gets completely nake and asks him, "What turns more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Marvin checks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!" | ||
| Son asked his mother the following question: 'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his grandfather, Marvin. 'Grandpa, why are wedding dresses white?' Marvin looks at his grandson in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white!!!!! |
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| Marvin drove his brand new Corvette Convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The Marvin paused and said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "You have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. |
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| Marvin's Mom
Marvin's mom was getting on in years. One day Marvin was out fishing when the nursing home called and told him that his mother had a stroke and was on her way to the hospital. Marvin had been catching fish right and left and didn't want to leave. Marvin figured that since the nursing home was so far out of town that he had time to catch a few more fish. The longer he stayed, the bigger the fish got. Two hours later, full of quilt and a limit of fish, Marvin headed to the hospital. The Doctor met him at the door and said "Marvin you mom has had a horrible stroke. She is completely disabled and will require around the clock care. The nursing home won't take her back because of her condition and we can't keep her here, so you will have to take her to your house and provide the care she needs". The Doctor then laughed and said "Just screwing with you Marvin, she's dead. What'd you catch". |
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ------------------------------ Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------ How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' ------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------ If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. -- ------------------------------ Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ----------------------------- It sounds like Jeff Dunham's Walter, doesn't it. The Runt |
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The Haircut Marvin stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."Marvin left. A few days later the Marvin stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." Marvin left. A week later the Marvin stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." Marvin left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill do me a favor. Follow Marvin and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does Marvin go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said........... "Your house." |
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| Marvins 70 year old wife was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Florida he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.' |
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